I’ve had a pervasive shame pattern for most of my life around how many people I date
I’ve been in lots of relationships, have had a boyfriend more often than not, and mostly always been interested in dating.
I see that relationships have been one of my major points of my spiritual growth. And I have my north node in Scorpio in the 7th… this is literally what my soul came to explore and learn!
And yet there has always been this deep penetrating disapproval in myself around it. This belief I shouldn’t be doing it, I can’t have it…
All part of the learning, turns out…
This shame pattern is multifaceted and complex. It has tendrils that reach in and around lots of different internal structures that are coming down right now.
But in unraveling it, and excavating each spot on the map it wants to take me to and through, I realized something simple and true
That I am the first woman in my maternal line (and felt sense, paternal line) to even get to date.
My mother was with my father by her early 20’s. My grandmother was married around 20. And my great grandmother as well
I am the first woman in my lineage, at least in the last century and probably more like a dozen or multiple, who has even gotten this privilege
To meet all kinds of people, play, learn, be with the wrong person, have messy as fuck relationships, be the victim, be the villain, to meet so many facets of myself in the process.
Nobody else has gotten to experience s ex the way I have, in this stage of life, with this much embodiment and freedom and non commitment
Nobody else has gotten their whole 20’s to be completely, deliciously, uncomplicatedly selfish
Nobody else has gotten to choose, with stability, consciousness, and maturity, who the father of their children will be and what within them motivates that choice— and whether it will be revolutionary, or typical, for the patterns and storylines of the lineage.
I am the first.
There is shame, of course, for the path which has never been walked before. Self consciousness and doubt in the crevices that were once completely out of bounds.
Continued in comments
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